As a young person, control took form in my life in the shape of an eating disorder; in a time when I had no control of my outside world, I could control that one thing. I was fortunate and got a swift kick from the Universe; rocking my world so hard, that I could step away from the disorder, that was in gear to destroy my life. I kept Control in my life, but renegotiated the boundaries of our relationship. As an adult, Control and personal drive became deeply intertwined, woven together with the golden thread of my Psychic ability. I looked, and looked, and looked at which path I should take, and which doors I should open, in what way would I best serve the world (yeah, I think like that). With the scrutinizing eye of Control at my side, I was able to make what I believed to be the best choices, and I felt that my relationship with control was a good one.
The problem with Control is that it leads to micro-managing life, and not having enough space for Awen (the spirit of creativity) & Divine guidance.
I renegotiated the boundaries Control had over my life a second time, when I started practicing Reiki. I remember my Reiki Master, laughing and saying to me “Oh, how you love your control”. I am not sure the exact moment, in which I stepped out of my own way; stopped thinking about what I should do, and simply opened up to guidance from Spirit….but I did, and the results were truly powerful. I have learned a lot from being an open conduit in healing, and connecting to peoples Higher Selves, Spirit Guides and Divine Presence. Over the years I have grown to understand that I do not have a healing plan for people who come to me…I just open myself to the powers that be, and ask for direction…
This year, Spirit decided I needed to release control in my own life.
First and foremost, I would like to point out that releasing control and being out of control, are two separate things. To release control, is to actively allow oneself to be guided by Spirit or a Higher Power. To loose control, means you do not have the ability to regain control without the aid of others.
Mt. Helgafell/Thor’s Mound
Shortly after returning from Iceland last August, I had a thought provoking conversation with Thor. (step out of the Marvel Universe, for just a moment…and think Norse Deity). Now, I know that direct conversation with deity is difficult for some people to understand. But it has been proven, that we gain the same benefit, whether we believe we are communicating with a higher power/God, or an aspect of ourselves. For me, God is God no matter what you call it. I believe there is a power in the Universe so great, that it can not be perceived in any one way…but must be multi-faceted. For me, communication with Deity is just as real as communication with the Spirits of the Dead, and the Spirits of the Land.
So back to the story…I was having a conversation with Thor, about the difference between Offerings and Sacrifice. Offerings are easy to give; flowers on my altar (sacred space), ecstatic moments of dance and self expression, & love making. But Sacrifice, well…that’s suppose to hurt a little bit, it is doing something that is not easy. It requires a lot more trust, a lot more letting go. As our conversation went on, we came around to my making a sacrifice. Having spent the last 6 months, cleaning up my diet & getting my food allergies under control, I felt that I had been doing a lot of sacrificing. But those sacrifices were made out of necessity, not by choice, and were therefore not proper sacrifices. Thor suggested I sacrifice control.
This January, I began my year of releasing control,…and it has been an interesting ride so far. What has happened is not quite what I expected. I believed I would some how be less Speedy-Gonzalez; rushing around, running multiple projects at once. Kind of a slow and steady pace, that would most likely make me crazy. Instead, I find myself infused with Awen (the spirit of creativity), experiencing complete down-loads of information on things I should do, things I should share with others, and things I simply need to be a part of/get started.
I am not sure where I am going on this journey, but it’s been interesting so far. It has been empowering to allow myself to be guided…to have faith, and to not micro manage every detail of my life. It has not taken away from my life, it has allowed me to step more fully into the energy of creation. I think we all hold onto habits, that don’t serve us. I also believe that we all have something to benefit from sacrifice. Sacrifice, puts us out of our comfort zone. It makes us look at the things we do, and decide whether they actually work for us.
We are all on the path of self discovery, each and everyone of us is here to learn, to experience and grow. I hope you enjoyed the read Folks, and think a bit about our own relationship with control.